i am deeply in love with the earth and the way
she weeps in the morning light
i weep with her too
in the rain puddled pavement
as the grey clouds greet me
and the sweet birds wait to sing
all the children stand ready at their windows
for a moments reprieve
we are patient with her
for we know that from her tears
precious flowers bloom
life, born yet again
even her weeping is True
Is not this the fast that I choose:
to loose the bonds of wickedness,
to undo the straps of the yoke,
to let the oppressed go free,
and to break every yoke?
Is it not to share your bread with the hungry
and bring the homeless poor into your house;
when you see the naked, to cover him,
and not to hide yourself from your own flesh?
Then shall your light break forth like the dawn,
and your healing shall spring up speedily;
your righteousness shall go before you;
the glory of the Lord shall be your rear guard.
Then you shall call, and the Lord will answer;
you shall cry, and he will say, ‘Here I am.’
If you take away the yoke from your midst,
the pointing of the finger, and speaking wickedness,
if you pour yourself out for the hungry
and satisfy the desire of the afflicted,
then shall your light rise in the darkness
and your gloom be as the noonday.
And the Lord will guide you continually
and satisfy your desire in scorched places
and make your bones strong;
and you shall be like a watered garden,
like a spring of water,
whose waters do not fail.
And your ancient ruins shall be rebuilt;
you shall raise up the foundations of many generations;
you shall be called the repairer of the breach,
the restorer of streets to dwell in.
Yesterday’s wedding was so beautiful. Not because the details were pretty or the bride looked stunning, but because there was love in abundance. Several moments throughout the day I found myself choked up, totally confronted by the love that flows through generations, the love that makes and sustains a family, the love that blooms and blossoms in the springtime of our hearts but lives on, persists even in the winters sure to come. So. much. love.
and during the ceremony, the priest said something that hit me deeply at my core, almost as if my Father himself was speaking gentle truth and conviction over me: Seek to love not to be right or righteous, but in the wild hope that it might restore and heal what is hurting.
Do not love because it makes you more saintly. That just makes you pious and pharisaical.
Instead, love because you want to heal. Love in humility. Choose love because you have some ragged inextinguishable conviction that it is the only anecdote to pain and hurt and brokenness. Love because it restores, redeems, and reconciles all things to Itself. Love because you have been loved. Choose love for all these reasons, otherwise it is not love that you are choosing.
Thank you Lord that you use even my work, even my sickest and weakest day, to teach me powerful lessons. Father, teach me to love like you have loved. Not because it is righteous or correct, but because you desire deeply to meet us, no matter what the cost. Lord I repent of my pharisaical designs for love. Forgive me God, my heart is dark without You. I want to love like you have loved. Not for my glory, but for yours, Father.
I never get sick. Not because I am lucky or blessed with an amazing immune system, but simply because I make sure not to get sick. To an extent that is both obnoxious and often times insulting, I wash my hands after handshakes, carry around sanitizer, and wince if someone dares touch me. There are many reasons for those behaviors (recovery, for one), but one of them is because I really hate being sick. So now that I’ve established that… You might be able to guess why I bring it up…
I’m sick.
And so I’ve been on the couch for two days straight - nose full of tissues, halls everywhere, water bottles and emergen-C packets scattered around me, blankets piled a mile high… Oh and pastries. There has been a shameful amount of pastries.
Anyway, I think I’ve painted the picture. But what I really wanted to chronicle today is this: I never thought that my simple head cold would be sanctifying, but it has been. In my discomfort and fever dreams I have found a sense of perspective that I may have otherwise missed in the busy stirrings of my normal day-to-day.
Instead, today I found myself sitting on the couch, not pitying myself (my usual response to physical ailments that slow me down), but feeling deep abiding gratitude. The fact that as soon as I felt sick, I was able to put my health and my rest as top priority was pretty remarkable. And that I had the ability to do that (no heartless boss or overloaded schedule to answer to, or babies who are also sick, for example).
Today I realized that God has given me so much control and independence and autonomy in my life, and honestly, I think it’s because He trusts me to steward it well… Which is humbling and astonishing and exhilarating.
I am in such a beautiful and exciting season of my life. I realized today that the freedom that I have in this season is most likely the most freedom I will ever have in my life.
What I mean by that is I am in control of my time (I run my own business - answer to myself) - and God has lead me to a place where I can do those things with wisdom and responsibility, so it’s not taxing on me, just gratifying. And I am single. I don’t have a husband or children to serve or put first. Not that I don’t want those things - Lord knows, I do. But the not having them is also sweet, a gift beyond measure. I even live alone. I don’t have to worry about annoying a roommate with my dirty tissues all over the couch and the 15th consecutive episode of gossip girl in the background… (we all have our vices)
When it comes to my time, my responsibilities, my obligations, my heart, and my priorities, I have so much freedom. I may not ever have this type of freedom again. In fact, I don’t know if I’ll ever want it again when the time comes to move in another direction. This type of independence and freedom does come at a price. I will always value family and intimacy over independence.
But for now, I am learning the blessing of time. Time to walk slowly, soak in the sunshine, stop and read a book, rest on the couch for days, time to pray and time to seek and time to heal from the parts of my journey that have held me back for too long.
Every day is my own day. It’s just me and Jesus, living my life. I get to focus on myself, my healing and recovery, my spiritual and emotional growth, and above all else, incorporating all else: my relationship with my sweet King. Praise God for this season of time and freedom and the discernment He’s given me to see it as exactly that: a precious gift.
Anyway, back to the couch for me. I’ve got a brand new stack of movies to conquer, a lot more water to drink, and one more box of tissues to empty. And the time to do all that! Praise Him.
The God of all my moments and all my seasons is so generous in every way.
In December I began a process of asking big questions about my business. What am I selling? What is important? What is my ministry here? What impact is my company leaving? What message am I communicating? What am I doing here? On January 20th, being totally unsatisfied with my lack of answers for the big questions I had, I invested in a brand redesign and committed to the emotional / spiritual roller-coaster that would lead me to the bottom of these big questions. Along the way I faced several existential crises in the face of all these unanswerables. “I want control and I want clear cut boundaries and I want all the answers and I want Your vision”, I demanded of God. Like a toddler coming up against the reality of a world that is not centered on my emotions, I kicked and screamed along the way as my sense of … everything… was challenged. Which was was up? In the throws of this journey had you asked me that question, I simply would not have had the answer.
But for the grace and mercy and tender love of Christ, I would not have made it through this journey.
But here I am, 5 weeks until the launch date and God has proven faithful despite how often I cowered or scowled or retreated for shame and fear of the unknown that resides within me. The brand that God has developed is my brand. It was hidden deep within me. It existed before this journey started. But He uncovered it and nourished it to existence. In much the way God grows a child from within a woman, He has grown this brand from within me. And now I am meeting it for the first time, looking into its familiar eyes and realizing, “It was YOU who was kicking my insides, rattling my ribs for a way out! It is SO good to meet you, my dear. Welcome to the world!” and it’s true. The time has come for the small but bold voice within me to make itself known to the world. What an equally exhilarating and terrifying next step!
And I remember back in January someone asked me, “What are your priorities in this?” and I said, “my relationship with Jesus, commitment to family, commitment to self, and integrity in all things”. And I think, perhaps, that has proven true in this season of growing and laboring and birthing new things. Jesus, family, self, and integrity. Those are the backbones of this brand.
I am so excited for what’s next. So encouraged by change and all the good things that flood in when you let the current take you away from all that you know.
those who sow in tears shall reap with joyful shouting
i often find myself recalling our time together
in the same way i would call on an old friend whose moved away
it’s not gone, it’s just farther somehow
