Do you ever think… maybe we are more afraid of being free than we are of being chained?
It is so much easier for me to put my head down and go through my day-to-day routines without once engaging in the people, the feelings, the light, anything about the day. It’s so much easier to be vacant, to be empty, to smile at all the right times, to say enough sarcastic self deprecating jokes that everyone is endeared to you, satisfied with just enough that they won’t keep asking, they won’t look too closely. It’s so much easier to never talk to God, but to think about Him sometimes, an afterthought mostly. But never to call on Him, because that would require awareness, and awareness is hard. And life should be easy.
Or at least, that is the lie I have bought and been buying for so many years.
It’s easier to shut down, and it’s so intolerably hard to fight to be present. It’s hard to push through to the end of the fog. It’s so incredibly hard every day, minute by minute, to remember that you are alive, that this moment is beautiful, that life is a gift, that the sunlight feels good on your skin, that the distant sound of laughter you can’t place is actually coming from your own lips. It’s so hard to remember to breathe, to remember to feel the wind, to remember to really hold the ones you love.
It terrifies me how many of my days I have wasted empty. How many moments have I missed to hold and love my family? Sometimes I think about the future, maybe tomorrow, maybe in twenty years, when I inevitably lose someone I simply cannot stand to lose, and how I will already know: I did not hold them enough.
I have wasted so much time. Still, today, I waste my time. I am bound to my shell, this cage inside where I have hidden myself. I am bound, acting as both a prisoner who aches desperately to reunite with her loved ones, and also as the prison guard who makes sure she never does.
Every day there is a constant battle to connect and disconnect, to engage and hide away. A battle to breathe deep or to not breathe at all.
To be bound or to be free.
Oh Jesus. Pierce the fog. Break the chains. Don’t let me go back anymore. I want life. Wake me up. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Lord.