my crown and my joy

there was a moment just the other day when i felt myself smiling, not because i was supposed to or because i told myself to, but because i was. i remember the green of the grass as we cut across the back of the building, we were small in the city amidst towering buildings but here, in this moment, in this patch of green, we were in our own garden. just you and just me. hand in hand. and i knew that we should keep walking, we had some place to be after all, but it’s not often that i feel so happy or so free, and so i stopped you just as that smile crept its way across my face, and i told myself in that moment in our green garden far away from everywhere, “it’s not often that you’re happy. let yourself have this moment.” so i leaned in and planted the most wholehearted kiss on you, while the security guard watched i’m pretty sure, but it didn’t matter and i think perhaps you didn’t know why i kissed you or didn’t think anything of it, but i kissed you and i smiled and i was happy in our garden in this brief moment of our lives. the moments are there. you just have to take them.

there was a moment just the other day when i felt myself smiling, not because i was supposed to or because i told myself to, but because i was. i remember the green of the grass as we cut across the back of the building, we were small in the city amidst towering buildings but here, in this moment, in this patch of green, we were in our own garden. just you and just me. hand in hand. and i knew that we should keep walking, we had some place to be after all, but it’s not often that i feel so happy or so free, and so i stopped you just as that smile crept its way across my face, and i told myself in that moment in our green garden far away from everywhere, “it’s not often that you’re happy. let yourself have this moment.” so i leaned in and planted the most wholehearted kiss on you, while the security guard watched i’m pretty sure, but it didn’t matter and i think perhaps you didn’t know why i kissed you or didn’t think anything of it, but i kissed you and i smiled and i was happy in our garden in this brief moment of our lives.

the moments are there. you just have to take them.

This past week I’ve been trying to connect with myself more by disconnecting from distractions. I would say it has been effective in direct relationship with how serious I take it. The first day was probably the best as far as ‘dramatic turn arounds’ go. I was so productive that day, even though I was technically doing less than normal. I felt present, I talked more often (about real feelings instead of numb surface level thoughts), I wrote, I dreamed, etc. Day one was good. It’s been about 5 days since then. I’ve taken time 4 out of the 5 days to have ‘quiet’ time wherein I do absolutely nothing. No forced praying or journaling, no list making, no task assigning. Nothing but sitting still, feeling the breeze, and noticing the day. I’ve found this practice to be extremely helpful in connecting me back to myself. Often after my quiet time, I feel refreshed and eager to apply myself towards some of my ‘to-do’s’ for the day (where normally I would feel draggy and have to force myself to accomplish stuff for the day). So the quiet time is good. It makes me a little nervous to sit still with myself and with zero agenda. Sometimes it feels like I’m sitting with a stranger and we don’t know what to talk to each other about. It’s sort of bittersweet to be so awkward with yourself. One thing that’s been cool is that I have been taking this time for myself, and I haven’t been forcing it to be “God time”. Just Shan time. But the coolest thing started to happen, even though I was spending very little intentional time with the Lord, He started to show up through me this week in really unexpected and profound ways. Especially in the form of prophetic prayers and visions over friends who really needed the encouragement. I think it’s because I’m more open and freed up to myself, He is more freed up to work through me? I’m not sure, but it’s been really awesome and humbling. He shows up even when I spend LESS “religious” time with him, and more “relational” time with myself. I didn’t see that coming. Anyway. I still find myself feeling depressed/disconnected/numb fairly often. But you know what? I’m human and I think it’s okay to feel those things sometimes. I won’t let the numbness win.

This past week I’ve been trying to connect with myself more by disconnecting from distractions. I would say it has been effective in direct relationship with how serious I take it. The first day was probably the best as far as ‘dramatic turn arounds’ go. I was so productive that day, even though I was technically doing less than normal. I felt present, I talked more often (about real feelings instead of numb surface level thoughts), I wrote, I dreamed, etc. Day one was good.

It’s been about 5 days since then. I’ve taken time 4 out of the 5 days to have ‘quiet’ time wherein I do absolutely nothing. No forced praying or journaling, no list making, no task assigning. Nothing but sitting still, feeling the breeze, and noticing the day. I’ve found this practice to be extremely helpful in connecting me back to myself. Often after my quiet time, I feel refreshed and eager to apply myself towards some of my ‘to-do’s’ for the day (where normally I would feel draggy and have to force myself to accomplish stuff for the day). So the quiet time is good. It makes me a little nervous to sit still with myself and with zero agenda. Sometimes it feels like I’m sitting with a stranger and we don’t know what to talk to each other about. It’s sort of bittersweet to be so awkward with yourself.

One thing that’s been cool is that I have been taking this time for myself, and I haven’t been forcing it to be “God time”. Just Shan time. But the coolest thing started to happen, even though I was spending very little intentional time with the Lord, He started to show up through me this week in really unexpected and profound ways. Especially in the form of prophetic prayers and visions over friends who really needed the encouragement. I think it’s because I’m more open and freed up to myself, He is more freed up to work through me? I’m not sure, but it’s been really awesome and humbling. He shows up even when I spend LESS “religious” time with him, and more “relational” time with myself. I didn’t see that coming.

Anyway. I still find myself feeling depressed/disconnected/numb fairly often. But you know what? I’m human and I think it’s okay to feel those things sometimes. I won’t let the numbness win.

Project: Connect Lately I have realized that I am addicted to distraction. I distract myself from my own feelings and thoughts by watching tv, reading, etc, and usually doing multiple distracting things at once (i.e.: editing, following social media, and watching tv all at once). I am literally using distraction to get numb. So, in an effort to feel reconnected with myself, I have decided to try a couple of things. 1. Do one thing at a time. If I want to read a book, fine, but I must devote my attention to that one thing. If I want to edit, or answer emails, or write, I must try to do only that one thing at a time. 2. Practice doing nothing. Every day, once a day, starting as low as two minute intervals, I must practice doing absolutely nothing and noticing how I feel. This looks like: setting a timer, and then sitting with myself. If thoughts or feelings come up, let them come, and let them go. This is not a time to process but simply to notice myself, to notice the world, and to notice the feeling of it all. 3. Write each day. I usually refrain from writing if I can’t shape my feelings into something poetic and rich with imagery. But that’s sort of a pride thing. When you get down to it, I connect with myself best when I have written. So once a day I am going to prompt myself with, “How do I feel today? What’s on my mind? What do I want?” The intention and hope is that I would connect with myself in these moments. 4. TV has got to get gone. Seriously. I want to cut this ish so far out of my life. I realize it will be more of a struggle than a cold turkey purging of all things television. The overall goal is for TV to be a thing of my past. It is a life stealer and a coping mechanism that I don’t want any longer. In an attempt at accountability, I will try to post my progress with this journey on my tumblr. Even if it’s just a few sentences at a time, I thrive in structure and with guidelines, so knowing I need to “update” somewhere will be motivating for me. Phew. Okay. So that’s my life right now. I am on the verge of real healing, so close to the kind of “freedom” that means you can start looking forward again. I just want to be whole. I just want to love the people I love in a manner that they deserve. I just want to be my best self. I just want to truly know Jesus. God help me. if you want to try this too: if this sounds like something you could benefit from, I encourage you to definitely try this for at least a week! if you do, please use the hashtag ” #projectconnect ” so I can keep track of how you’re doing and hopefully encourage you along the way!

Project: Connect

Lately I have realized that I am addicted to distraction. I distract myself from my own feelings and thoughts by watching tv, reading, etc, and usually doing multiple distracting things at once (i.e.: editing, following social media, and watching tv all at once). I am literally using distraction to get numb.

So, in an effort to feel reconnected with myself, I have decided to try a couple of things.

1. Do one thing at a time. If I want to read a book, fine, but I must devote my attention to that one thing. If I want to edit, or answer emails, or write, I must try to do only that one thing at a time.
2. Practice doing nothing. Every day, once a day, starting as low as two minute intervals, I must practice doing absolutely nothing and noticing how I feel. This looks like: setting a timer, and then sitting with myself. If thoughts or feelings come up, let them come, and let them go. This is not a time to process but simply to notice myself, to notice the world, and to notice the feeling of it all.
3. Write each day. I usually refrain from writing if I can’t shape my feelings into something poetic and rich with imagery. But that’s sort of a pride thing. When you get down to it, I connect with myself best when I have written. So once a day I am going to prompt myself with, “How do I feel today? What’s on my mind? What do I want?” The intention and hope is that I would connect with myself in these moments.
4. TV has got to get gone. Seriously. I want to cut this ish so far out of my life. I realize it will be more of a struggle than a cold turkey purging of all things television. The overall goal is for TV to be a thing of my past. It is a life stealer and a coping mechanism that I don’t want any longer.


In an attempt at accountability, I will try to post my progress with this journey on my tumblr. Even if it’s just a few sentences at a time, I thrive in structure and with guidelines, so knowing I need to “update” somewhere will be motivating for me.

Phew. Okay. So that’s my life right now. I am on the verge of real healing, so close to the kind of “freedom” that means you can start looking forward again. I just want to be whole. I just want to love the people I love in a manner that they deserve. I just want to be my best self. I just want to truly know Jesus. God help me.

if you want to try this too: if this sounds like something you could benefit from, I encourage you to definitely try this for at least a week! if you do, please use the hashtag ” #projectconnect ” so I can keep track of how you’re doing and hopefully encourage you along the way!

Do you ever think… maybe we are more afraid of being free than we are of being chained? It is so much easier for me to put my head down and go through my day-to-day routines without once engaging in the people, the feelings, the light, anything about the day. It’s so much easier to be vacant, to be empty, to smile at all the right times, to say enough sarcastic self deprecating jokes that everyone is endeared to you, satisfied with just enough that they won’t keep asking, they won’t look too closely. It’s so much easier to never talk to God, but to think about Him sometimes, an afterthought mostly. But never to call on Him, because that would require awareness, and awareness is hard. And life should be easy. Or at least, that is the lie I have bought and been buying for so many years. It’s easier to shut down, and it’s so intolerably hard to fight to be present. It’s hard to push through to the end of the fog. It’s so incredibly hard every day, minute by minute, to remember that you are alive, that this moment is beautiful, that life is a gift, that the sunlight feels good on your skin, that the distant sound of laughter you can’t place is actually coming from your own lips. It’s so hard to remember to breathe, to remember to feel the wind, to remember to really hold the ones you love. It terrifies me how many of my days I have wasted empty. How many moments have I missed to hold and love my family? Sometimes I think about the future, maybe tomorrow, maybe in twenty years, when I inevitably lose someone I simply cannot stand to lose, and how I will already know: I did not hold them enough. I have wasted so much time. Still, today, I waste my time. I am bound to my shell, this cage inside where I have hidden myself. I am bound, acting as both a prisoner who aches desperately to reunite with her loved ones, and also as the prison guard who makes sure she never does. Every day there is a constant battle to connect and disconnect, to engage and hide away. A battle to breathe deep or to not breathe at all. To be bound or to be free. Oh Jesus. Pierce the fog. Break the chains. Don’t let me go back anymore. I want life. Wake me up. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Lord.

Do you ever think… maybe we are more afraid of being free than we are of being chained?

It is so much easier for me to put my head down and go through my day-to-day routines without once engaging in the people, the feelings, the light, anything about the day. It’s so much easier to be vacant, to be empty, to smile at all the right times, to say enough sarcastic self deprecating jokes that everyone is endeared to you, satisfied with just enough that they won’t keep asking, they won’t look too closely. It’s so much easier to never talk to God, but to think about Him sometimes, an afterthought mostly. But never to call on Him, because that would require awareness, and awareness is hard. And life should be easy.

Or at least, that is the lie I have bought and been buying for so many years.

It’s easier to shut down, and it’s so intolerably hard to fight to be present. It’s hard to push through to the end of the fog. It’s so incredibly hard every day, minute by minute, to remember that you are alive, that this moment is beautiful, that life is a gift, that the sunlight feels good on your skin, that the distant sound of laughter you can’t place is actually coming from your own lips. It’s so hard to remember to breathe, to remember to feel the wind, to remember to really hold the ones you love.

It terrifies me how many of my days I have wasted empty. How many moments have I missed to hold and love my family? Sometimes I think about the future, maybe tomorrow, maybe in twenty years, when I inevitably lose someone I simply cannot stand to lose, and how I will already know: I did not hold them enough.

I have wasted so much time. Still, today, I waste my time. I am bound to my shell, this cage inside where I have hidden myself. I am bound, acting as both a prisoner who aches desperately to reunite with her loved ones, and also as the prison guard who makes sure she never does.

Every day there is a constant battle to connect and disconnect, to engage and hide away. A battle to breathe deep or to not breathe at all.

To be bound or to be free.

Oh Jesus. Pierce the fog. Break the chains. Don’t let me go back anymore. I want life. Wake me up. I’m so sorry. I’m so sorry, Lord.