my crown and my joy

I could ask the darkness to hide me
    and the light around me to become night—
    but even in darkness I cannot hide from you.
To you the night shines as bright as day.
    Darkness and light are the same to you.

Whoa. This is rich. Even when we make deals and agreements with darkness, and try to hide ourselves from the light, the Lord will never leave us. So even our darkness is like light to Him - He sees us, we are never hidden. He will never turn away and we are never out of His loving gaze. Where there is Love there is no darkness. So come into the light because you’re already there anyway, and let the light touch all the parts of you that feel the need to hide.


9 Jesus answered, “Are there not twelve hours in the day? If anyone walks in the day, he does not stumble, because he sees the light of this world. 10 But if anyone walks in the night, he stumbles, because the light is not in him.” 11 After saying these things, he said to them, “Our friend Lazarus has fallen asleep, but I go to awaken him.”

43 When he had said these things, he cried out with a loud voice, “Lazarus, come out.” 44 The man who had died came out, his hands and feet bound with linen strips, and his face wrapped with a cloth. Jesus said to them, “Unbind him, and let him go.”

This has been my favorite bible story for years. Jesus knows that Lazarus is dead and in the darkness of death. This imagery easily translates to one not yet knowing the Lord or not walking in the way of life. Jesus says if you aren’t walking in the light you will stumble in the darkness, and then immediately points to Lazarus and says, let’s go wake him up. Jesus is not confused about the state of Lazarus as he lay in darkness. He knows full well. And He is not incapable of helping, instead He says, let’s go wake him! Nothing is daunting or too big for Jesus. No grip of death or darkness holds Him.

And then He simply says to Lazarus: COME OUT. And He tells Lazarus’ friends and family to unbind his death clothes and further set him free. Um did you catch that? - He just invited us into healing and freedom and release to each other. Jesus raised Lazarus out of darkness, and then called his community around him to take off the old chains Jesus had unlocked for Laz.

All that to say, even in darkness we cannot hide from Jesus. He sees us, He knows our state, and He brings us to the light if we’re willing to go there with Him.

For the past several days I have woken up and spent thirty minutes to an hour waking up with the Lord. The beginning is usually quiet as I yawn and stretch and sip coffee and gather my attention. Finally, I start talking. Just the way I would converse with a dear friend, I start telling Him what’s on my mind, what’s heavy on my heart, what I’m hopeful for, what I’m fearful of… I just share, because I want Him to know and even if He already knows it all, I want Him to hear it from me. And deep down, I believe He, too, wants to hear it from me. I think He loves to hear from me. So we talk forever and nothing is off limits. Sometimes His Spirit reveals truths to me, shows me old and new ways of thinking, gives me words or pictures for what I’m wondering about. Eventually, I read one chapter of scripture for about 15 minutes. I just set a timer and then I read and reread and explore that one chapter. A lot of times this is where I find my comfort - in the words and the truth buried into the very pages of that good book. I just want to wake up with my best friend. I want to take all my ramblings and turn them over to Him and let His truth fall, let the light touch everything in my heart - good and bad - and really, I don’t know why I would wake up in any other posture. Is it even waking up at all, if He isn’t there to breathe fresh life and rest into our hearts?

For the past several days I have woken up and spent thirty minutes to an hour waking up with the Lord. The beginning is usually quiet as I yawn and stretch and sip coffee and gather my attention. Finally, I start talking. Just the way I would converse with a dear friend, I start telling Him what’s on my mind, what’s heavy on my heart, what I’m hopeful for, what I’m fearful of… I just share, because I want Him to know and even if He already knows it all, I want Him to hear it from me. And deep down, I believe He, too, wants to hear it from me. I think He loves to hear from me. So we talk forever and nothing is off limits. Sometimes His Spirit reveals truths to me, shows me old and new ways of thinking, gives me words or pictures for what I’m wondering about. Eventually, I read one chapter of scripture for about 15 minutes. I just set a timer and then I read and reread and explore that one chapter. A lot of times this is where I find my comfort - in the words and the truth buried into the very pages of that good book. I just want to wake up with my best friend. I want to take all my ramblings and turn them over to Him and let His truth fall, let the light touch everything in my heart - good and bad - and really, I don’t know why I would wake up in any other posture. Is it even waking up at all, if He isn’t there to breathe fresh life and rest into our hearts?

i want to remember today. that i sat in the thick fog of a seventeen year sisterhood and i laughed and i marveled at the way our Father is growing my sister and i’ll never understand sisterhood if not for the way i can watch her respond “yes” to a question and know she’s saying “no” before she even knows it herself. what a delight, what a gift to know someone through beyond the boundaries, beyond the layers, beyond the masks that we convince ourselves we must wear. and best of all, to be known the same and to be loved all the more despite our years and years and years of failing each other, there is love and there is sisterhood. and what more is there to ask from another.

i want to remember today. that i sat in the thick fog of a seventeen year sisterhood and i laughed and i marveled at the way our Father is growing my sister and i’ll never understand sisterhood if not for the way i can watch her respond “yes” to a question and know she’s saying “no” before she even knows it herself. what a delight, what a gift to know someone through beyond the boundaries, beyond the layers, beyond the masks that we convince ourselves we must wear. and best of all, to be known the same and to be loved all the more despite our years and years and years of failing each other, there is love and there is sisterhood. and what more is there to ask from another.

Last night the Lord reminded me, “you’ve been wandering lately, but don’t forget: you can always come home.” And just like that it hit me, I was believing a lie that the longer I stray, the harder it is to return. But that isn’t true. Jesus made it easy for us to return. Home is always an option. It’s as simple as breathing. Grace, in the end, is everything. 
So grateful for all my wandering and roaming this year but goodness, home has taken on a whole new and richer meaning to me in the process.

Last night the Lord reminded me, “you’ve been wandering lately, but don’t forget: you can always come home.” And just like that it hit me, I was believing a lie that the longer I stray, the harder it is to return. But that isn’t true. Jesus made it easy for us to return. Home is always an option. It’s as simple as breathing. Grace, in the end, is everything.
So grateful for all my wandering and roaming this year but goodness, home has taken on a whole new and richer meaning to me in the process.

i remember the day we missed our train back to riggamore thanks to bad advice from some locals and we sat freezing as a storm rolled in across the ocean.

and even though the others were probably pissed that we were late or maybe they hadn’t even noticed, we were a thousand miles from home together and i was warm even though it was cold.
because you were next to me.