my crown and my joy

i can’t tell you the exact moment or date that it happened, but it did happen eventually as it always seems to do - somewhere along this road, you lost sight of your Jesus, and the trouble with losing your King is that it never seems to happen suddenly - so that you send all your resources out to find Him immediately and have Him home before dinner is on the table, no, instead, it seems to happen over night in your restless sleeping, over weeks in your incessant working, over months in your constant distraction, until suddenly, so suddenly, you look up and realize He isn’t standing there at all, you’ve been talking in the mirror all this time, and you try to think back, you search your memory frantic to find the last time He stood before you, the last time you were talking to King Jesus and not yourself but you can’t remember, it’s been too long and you feel white with shame and fear and more than anything you feel alone in it all, and it’s in this precise moment when you realize He isn’t where you left Him that every lie that you ever dared hear about yourself comes creeping in from all sides, surrounding, threatening, and listen to this because this part is pivotal, you have a choice to make here - you either let the lies take you in and you wave your white flag in defeat, surrender, roll over and expose your belly like a sad old dog that doesn’t know the difference between friend or foe, yes, you can cave and give in and give up and stop fighting, or (and this really is the whole point right here so pay attention) you can turn around and see that you didn’t lose Jesus, He just simply moved from when you last looked up to notice Him. Jesus doesn’t stand stationary with us for long, He is constantly moving and we are called to follow after Him in the direction of healing and Home, but while He may move around, He will never leave, no He won’t He will not ever ever ever ever leave you so I guess what I’m saying is don’t cave, don’t give up, put your white flag away and dust off your battle cry because this war isn’t over and you are not without a King, and this Jesus doesn’t ask you to fight alone but He goes before you and He fights alongside you and He takes up your rearguard and He doesn’t ever ever ever leave you, know this now, kid, with King Jesus you are never alone, so please for the love of all that is good in your life would you stop making decisions based on the lie that you are alone and abandoned and forsaken, when you look up after too long away and you see that He isn’t where you thought He’d be, don’t panic, instead, remember your King and His sweet kind heart for you and breathe in, breathe out, look around, find Him again, He is never far, He is never gone from your side. and what i honestly want to tell you is to stop giving up on a King who will never give up on you, but the truth is, He loves you anyway, so i guess i will just tell you the bottom line: He loves you, for some reason completely unknown to me, King Jesus is totally recklessly in love with you, no matter how many times you give up on Him and you give up on yourself, so don’t guilt yourself into a better life, don’t shame yourself back into battle when your heart is still breaking, but breathe in, breathe out, find Him, and let love lead you out of this place, let love change your mind, let love heal your scars, let love stir you to dance, and don’t do a single thing without love leading you there first. let love be your momentum and your measurement of progress in a healing that the world says has taken too long. let love prove the world wrong.

i can’t tell you the exact moment or date that it happened, but it did happen eventually as it always seems to do - somewhere along this road, you lost sight of your Jesus, and the trouble with losing your King is that it never seems to happen suddenly - so that you send all your resources out to find Him immediately and have Him home before dinner is on the table, no, instead, it seems to happen over night in your restless sleeping, over weeks in your incessant working, over months in your constant distraction, until suddenly, so suddenly, you look up and realize He isn’t standing there at all, you’ve been talking in the mirror all this time, and you try to think back, you search your memory frantic to find the last time He stood before you, the last time you were talking to King Jesus and not yourself but you can’t remember, it’s been too long and you feel white with shame and fear and more than anything you feel alone in it all, and it’s in this precise moment when you realize He isn’t where you left Him that every lie that you ever dared hear about yourself comes creeping in from all sides, surrounding, threatening, and listen to this because this part is pivotal, you have a choice to make here - you either let the lies take you in and you wave your white flag in defeat, surrender, roll over and expose your belly like a sad old dog that doesn’t know the difference between friend or foe, yes, you can cave and give in and give up and stop fighting, or (and this really is the whole point right here so pay attention) you can turn around and see that you didn’t lose Jesus, He just simply moved from when you last looked up to notice Him. Jesus doesn’t stand stationary with us for long, He is constantly moving and we are called to follow after Him in the direction of healing and Home, but while He may move around, He will never leave, no He won’t He will not ever ever ever ever leave you so I guess what I’m saying is don’t cave, don’t give up, put your white flag away and dust off your battle cry because this war isn’t over and you are not without a King, and this Jesus doesn’t ask you to fight alone but He goes before you and He fights alongside you and He takes up your rearguard and He doesn’t ever ever ever leave you, know this now, kid, with King Jesus you are never alone, so please for the love of all that is good in your life would you stop making decisions based on the lie that you are alone and abandoned and forsaken, when you look up after too long away and you see that He isn’t where you thought He’d be, don’t panic, instead, remember your King and His sweet kind heart for you and breathe in, breathe out, look around, find Him again, He is never far, He is never gone from your side. and what i honestly want to tell you is to stop giving up on a King who will never give up on you, but the truth is, He loves you anyway, so i guess i will just tell you the bottom line: He loves you, for some reason completely unknown to me, King Jesus is totally recklessly in love with you, no matter how many times you give up on Him and you give up on yourself, so don’t guilt yourself into a better life, don’t shame yourself back into battle when your heart is still breaking, but breathe in, breathe out, find Him, and let love lead you out of this place, let love change your mind, let love heal your scars, let love stir you to dance, and don’t do a single thing without love leading you there first. let love be your momentum and your measurement of progress in a healing that the world says has taken too long. let love prove the world wrong.

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    those moments when you feel a panic attack coming on
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